As tempting as it is to deride Gordon Sumner, aka Sting, for publishing a book of his lyrics (with commentary!) ’t’other year, I can’t deny that I own a similar tome for The Fall’s Mark E Smith.

Lyrics without music is one thing, but what about lyrics with different music? Sting’s got some experience with that concept already, as The Police did reunite briefly in the mid-eighties to record “Don’t Stand So Close to Me ’86.” Same words, brand new notes, longer running time and title! (And, according to the marginally updated lyrics, in the six-year interim between that version and the original, the novel Lolita had become “famous.”)

Fast-forward to January 2009. Early in the new year, a Microsoft release called Songsmith has made it possible for there to be a limitless number of “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” remixes (Microsoft’s term). In fact, it’s made it possible to rewrite the book on music history, should one be audacious ambitious enough.

Per the Microsoft web site, “Songsmith helps you create songs using just your voice, by choosing musical accompaniments to match whatever you sing. Whether you’re a musical novice looking to send a jingle to a friend or an aspiring songwriter looking to give it a first try, Songsmith lets you start making music.” Basically: upload an a cappela file, choose your genre, hit ‘Enter,’ and aural sculpture is just moments away. Ghost in the machine, indeed.

Less than two weeks after the Songsmith launch, something even better than a three-decades-removed “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” had been created: “Roxanne ’09.” (Authorized, schmawtherized.) Check out this brilliant snych of the original promo video for “Roxanne” (’78) with computer composer MockSession.com’s twiddles:

Pitchfork Media perhaps said it best in commenting that the brimstonely treacle of Frankensteinian bride “Roxanne ’09” puts Sting on “a cruise ship, performing on the Promenade Deck for people on their way to the all-night buffet. A couple of bad breaks for Mr. Sumner early on, and who knows—things could have turned out this way.” Ouch, the truth hurts. When you think about it, it’s not impossible that Mr. Sumner + Love Boat could still come to pass. After all, ‘Sting’ is only a ‘u’ and a ‘b’ away from ‘Stubing’…

And regardless, this monstrosity is still way better than “Don’t Stand So Close to Me ’86.” Right? OK, don’t trust me; after all, when it comes to post-punk, I prefer Camus to Nabakov. You be the judge: